Dear Sam, Dear Jack
by Bekki Beekeeper
Summary: It's time to pretend to admit how they feel. Letters that will go unsent.
1. Dear Sam

_**Title:** Dear Sam (Unsent)  
**Pairing:** Jack and Sam  
**Notes:** Words written like -this- have been used to substitute strikethrough effect - basically, they have been crossed out.  
**Notes:** This part and the second part_ (Dear Jack)_ were written at the same time, paragraph by paragraph in parallel. Unfortunately, it's far too confusing to read. Makes for a good comparison between the two, though.  
**Disclaimer:** I stole everything - for entertainment purposes only, of course._

* * *

Dear Sam, 

Welcome to the letter you'll never get.

As you know, I'm not really a letter-writing kinda guy. Still, sometimes you have to defy your own rules, and let's face it: you were always my Special Circumstance.

Besides, there's stuff I need to say to you, or pretend to say to you. yeah…stuff. Stuff like how smart you are. Guess you know that already. PhD kinda gives it away, huh. Okay, bad example. Other stuff...stuff like how much I admire you. And you know me, Carter, that's not an easy thing to admit. It suggests I want to be -_yours_- like you, and we all know the problems I have with science.

Note how I use the term 'science' as opposed to 'scientists'. Sure, so your intelligence goes straight over my head, but there's something about watching you get excited over stuff that makes me think that there must be things still worth learning. Especially if you find it all so fascinating. Plus, that brain of yours could rival that of any Asgard scientist. With you on my team, anything is always possible.

You never quite got that, I don't think. How on Earth you ever managed to doubt yourself is beyond me, but I know that you did. You still do. But the truth is you always have answers. I don't need to understand them, I just need to understand they're there. You should have that understanding, too. I always wanted to give it to you, always wanted you to know how much your ideas matter. I'm always waiting for those words on a mission, you know: "Sir, I think I have an idea." They've saved our lives way more times than gunfire.

And yes, I know I sometimes give you a hard time. I never mean it, not really. It's just stressful sometimes. It doesn't help that I'm too dumb to understand what the heck you're going on about when you explain stuff to me. All those times I have to get you to simplify must be frustrating. And if I take it out on you, I never intend to. So maybe I owe you an apology for that.

Sorry.

By the way, I always meant to ask: how is itthat whilst most scientists are off with their heads in the clouds theorising about this and that, you can bring your theories down to Earth, apply them to the galaxy? And how is it that on top of that, you're such a darned good officer? I can always rely on you. You can take aim better than most in the Air Force and you're never afraid to get out there and kick butt. I've always been worried you're gonna turn round and kick my butt someday. I sure deserve it at times.

There are reasons, though; reasons why I'm such a pain in the mik'ta. I suppose that's the point of this letter. I want to explain. See, I find the personal stuff difficult. I never know what to say. When I do say something it usually comes out entirely wrong. Most of the time I give a gesture and just… hope.

That's one reason. Another is that you unnerve me – in a good way. You know stuff. I dunno, but it seems to me that you can find reason in the way I act when no-one else can. Daniel does that, Teal'c's done it a fair few times too, but you give me that look of curious comprehension. And sometimes, when whatever plan I have goes against all rational thinking, you'll question me. That's good – I need to be questioned – but in the end you take your orders. You trust me. Not a lot of people trust me like you do.

There's more, though: another reason why. We've got close to it a few times. Remember the Zatarc thingy with the Tok'ra? I looked across at you for a split second. Do you remember how our eyes met? I was supposed to be looking into that damned machine but I couldn't. Well, this is one of those moments. If you were here and I was telling you all this, I'd be staring into your eyes again.

And knowing these feelings, admitting them, means I have to deal with them. Part of me 'dealing' sometimes means lashing out at you – and for that I could zat myself into a black hole. Then there are the times I see you with other guys, and yes, I admit it, I get jealous. I can't help being jealous of them, Sam. You're just that one thing in life that I can't have, and yet I don't think I could live without you. Ironic, huh?

So there y'are. I said it. I told you how I felt.

Kinda.

Wish you knew, Sam. Really wish you knew.

**Jack.**


	2. Dear Jack

**Title:** Dear Jack (Unsent)  
**Pairing:** Sam and Jack  
**Strikethrough:** Words written like -this- have been used to substitute strikethrough effect - basically, they have been crossed out.  
**Disclaimer:** I stole everything - for entertainment purposes only, of course. It all belongs to MGM and other Stargate-like folks._

* * *

__Dear Jack,_

_There have always been things between us that we've found ourselves unable to speak of. I understand the reasons – mostly, anyway – but we've known each other too long to keep denying how we feel. A lot has had to survive unspoken but I can't let it all go unwritten – even if this letter goes unsent._

_Through all the missions we've been on together, I've always hoped for an opportunity to tell you – truly tell you – how much you have helped me, how much you've affected me. I've been wanting to show you how much it all meant. Yet through all those missions, the only chances I've ever had have been figments of my own imagination._

_There will never be an opportunity. We're in the Air Force._

_So I'm making an opportunity for myself. A chance for me to put into words the things I've been longing to say. Anyway, it's about time I started putting into practice some of the lessons you've taught me over the years. You've always known how to make things possible._

_It's difficult to know where to begin. It's always been difficult to know where to begin with you, because you've been through such torture. There's no way I could ever comprehend it all. We've shared a lot, though. Daniel and Teal'c, too, but there are some things they'll never really understand. The way you keep me going. The way you have faith in me, even when I'm certain I can't get us where we need to go. The looks we share; the encouragement you give me. It all means so much._

_You never give up. You never let any of us give up, either. I remember when you gave my Dad that huge reprimand when he'd assumed we weren't going to make it. You're not as cynical as you like to make out. If you were, no doubt we'd be dead by now. Your stubbornness has kept us alive and our world safe. A lot of people owe their lives to you. I owe you much more than that._

_You always like to pretend you're completely clueless when it comes to science, but I learnt pretty quickly that you know more than you let on. Some of those suggestions you've given have been wonderful in their simplicity, and all I have to do after that is just make it happen. You always know there's a way out, whatever the situation. We just have to find it._

_It's not just on missions that you see things others have missed. You're more perceptive than you'd like to admit, especially when it comes to dealing with SG–1's various personal situations. You always find a way to comfort, to reassure. You're a man of few words but your gestures mean the world._

_I would never have known how to deal with myself in a lot of those situations. Maybe you didn't either know how to deal with me either, but somehow you manage to give me the hope that I need. I guess what I'm trying to say is, well, no-one knows me like you do. A cliché – sorry, sir – but an honest one. Even the things I've never mentioned, I feel like you understand them. I just wish I could see into you the way you see into me._

_I want to convey something more here, but it's tough. I could never tell you in life. I could never tell you how I've watched you for so long, how many times I've wondered what it would be like if… if we could be together. There have been moments so deceptively close to that reality. It killed me that in another universe, you were mine. At least there I must have been happy._

_And in a way, it gives me hope. If you could care for me like that in another place under different circumstances…well, I take comfort in that. I still think about how we thought we were Zatarcs just because we were hiding our true feelings for one another. That was the closest we ever came to communicating -_how much we love_- what we mean to each other._

_I'm going to end this letter now, not because there's nothing more for me to say, but because it's a futile cause. You'll never read these words. I'm just going to give you one final thank you, and try to put my feelings aside. I know it won't work but still I have to try._

_I'm sorry, Jack. I wish I could be more for you._

_**Sam.**_


End file.
